"i don't really have rational or irrational--they're just all thoughts." -Julia Jones

our time is running out.

so i had to let go of my project.
but i think it'll be worth it.
because the next week+ is going to involve:

packing/cleaning (boo!)
rhondeaus+puppy!!
4thofJuly the Mangums are wonderful parade?
modest mouse free concert!
u2 laser light show!
hopefully helping 2 people fall in love.
music videos?
speaking in church?
something that involves immersing my body in a body of natural water.
Casablanca party
(feel free to chime in if you wish to be a part of any of these, the goal is to maximize hang-out time with everyone)

I love, love, love when strangers feel bold enough to join into conversations.

at DI
me: the prices on these books make no sense
lady: i know!!

at Thai Mango
alex: going off about the drink of the gods
guy at table next to us: i think you're thinking of mate'.

by the way, i like food:
Pho Noodle House (or something to that effect) in Orem = yum + holy delicious vietnamese food that i devoured in the time it took us to drive back to Provo. reminded me of the glory days when i worked at Dew and got to eat amazing vietnamese sandwiches
btw, where Dew was is now home to the amazing Slab Pizza, follow them on Twitter and you may win a free pizza!

red curry from Thai Mango (by Cafe Rio) = yummmmm (and it's enough to share with someone else and it had thai basil, yum yum yum and Alex is a stupid vegetarian so he even let us get it with tofu!!)

i really, really want cocoa bean to succeed.
because i like cupcakes. i know everyone does these days, but i really do.
and even more than cupcakes i enjoy really good coffee-like-without-the-coffee drinks.
like the white chocolate and dark chocolate frappe i had today to console myself about the woes of the world.
they use high concentrations of cocoa beans (the equivalent of espresso) and it's so delish.
and they have all different kinds of fruit iced lemonade right now. um, yum.
and with their drink card you only have to buy five to get one free.
i am a sucker for good drinks.
and that's the end of my plug for cocoa bean.
but, seriously, will someone make sure they don't go out of business while i'm gone.
oh, and did i mention they'll deliver to the mtc? so you can send me cupcakes if you want, no worries.

freshman year is officially coming back to haunt me.
all the boys that went on missions are now coming back.

just in time to say "hi, bye."

its like rain(bows) on your wedding day

once upon a time i went to a wedding at it was amazing.
i wish i had pictures, but i was busy shooting on 8mm film the whole time.

not only because they fed us three delicious meals over the course of two days.
or because we stayed in a house with an elaborate home theatre.
or because it got me out of provo for three days.

but because the trip started with an eight hour drive with one of my new favorite married couples.
and eating at the classiest, most friendly Chik-fil-a i've ever been to.
seriously, everyone made conversation with us.

then we show up at an extravagant house (with toilets that would do just about anything for you)
and there were delicious fajitas for eating and embarrassing pictures and stories about the couple.
went to the house we were staying at and watched the first part of a knights tale with dogs that snored louder than trains.

the next morning we rose and went to the denver, co temple.

and i cried. i looked over and their moms weren't even crying and there i was trying not to rub my mascara all over my face as a few ginormous tears escaped my eyes.
there was simply an overwhelmingly fantastic feeling as i watched two of my very dear friends commit to be each others forever.

after some pictures and what-not outside the temple. we headed to the Crapo home for a ring ceremony.
where we all had parasols to keep out the sun and Jake's dad said some inspiring and important things.
like how when you get married you don't question if you've made the right choice, you be your best self so that you can make sure your spouse made the right choice.
and then J and K told each other that they loved each other etc.
and I had my eye pressed up against the super 8 camera and again tears are pouring out my eyes.
and then we took frolicking in the field pictures me, whit, rachel, and the lovely bride.
and ate again.

then intermission included hanging out at the castle house, taking pictures, playing rock band, shuffleboard, a bedroom with a living room in it and a bathroom that was bigger than the bedroom. etc.

the reception was phenomenal.
whit and i got all glammed up for the country club.
i even wore make-up (it does happen sometimes, mom)
their were hors de vours and mocktails and the hall was excellently decorated.
and then there was a double rainbow outside. again with the magic.
and we ate again. sushi and potatoes and other deliciousness.
toasts were made.
(some more exuberant than others)
J+K danced their first dance to Ben Fold's the Luckiest (probably the perfect wedding song)
which his little sister sang.
then we danced our feet off to a live band (and they were pretty rocking)
literally an hour or two of nonstop dancing.
then we held sparklers as they came out, katie's mom was like, "you forgot to throw the bouquet"
at which point i handed my sparkler to some guy standing next to me and gave the camera to justin and stood in front of the crowd of girls.
then the bouquet was thrown and i lept forward and caught it. easy.
and then i threw both my hands up in victory just as the photographer snapped a photo.
(basically it was like winning the kentucky derby)
later a relative came up and asked me if i was a sprinter. "No. But I had my eye on the prize."
and jake's mom: "do you have someone in mind?"
"actually, going on a mission. I just can't pass up a competition."

there were lots of hugs and good talks about love and good food and good friends and two wonderful families coming together.

and magic and love and etc.

p.s.
denver is beautiful. loved the blue sky. loved the rain. loved the green.

i promise my life is not always this much of a disaster.

yesterday i was saying how i wish i could just get paid to be the world's friend.
well, i just pulled a check out of my pocket from JP
and the memo line said For Love.

Today Julia said, "You have ADD."
And suddenly my whole life makes sense.

edit: and what does it mean if i literally got distracted from the online diagnosis quiz four times?

and i don't need anyone to cut my meat for me*

I spent most my life growing up trying to be like my brothers.

But lately it's hit me...
I am a girl. Duh, right? Well, it's something I don't always like to admit.

Maybe I don't wear earrings or makeup or have the entirety of Pride and Prejudice memorized.
Maybe shopping makes me super cranky.
Maybe I have no table manners and have a high tolerance for male-themed conversations.
Maybe I have never owned a straightener or a curling iron or a blow dryer even.
But I like perfume and skirts and high heels and A Fine Frenzy and Music and Lyrics and BBC movies.
I like flowers.
I wrote a script like Gilmore Girls and Amelie. and it's about a girl. and love.
I have TONS of shoes.
Sometimes I cry every three days, just because.
I don't know how to take care of my car.
I fall in love on a regular basis.
I'm self-conscious about my body.
I really like cupcakes.
I like planning weddings.
Sometimes I just wish my mom was around.
I love and own about 20 different containers of chapstick, including the liquid kind that only girls can get away with wearing but they taste SO good.
I like when people lift heavy things for me.
I'm a sentimental fool.
I own a headband with a bow on it.
I sometimes wish someone was around to protect me from alien attacks.
My voice goes up 2 octaves when I see baby animals.
I use the word "cute" on a regular basis.

and these are mostly things I try and suppress.
but I am what I am.

take it or leave it, baby.

*this is a line from an Ingrid Michaelson song and while I believe in it's sentiment. I was actually a vegetarian for all my growing up years and have no practice cutting meat properly, which is embarrassing as a 21 year old.

i love you.

but don't worry, it doesn't mean much

because i actually love everyone.

and that's why i hardly tell anyone.

i don't like living alone anymore.
it was fun at first.
i miss kelsie.
i don't sleep well at night these days and it's weird waking in the middle of the night to a completely empty house.
it's sad coming home to an empty house. every. time.
it's not fun to wake up when no one around you is waking up.
it's too quiet.
i could die in this apartment and no one would know.

meanwhile, i am a slave to five different masters and it's wearing me down.
because all i want to do is watching toy story 3 and maybe hang out with people.

"in film, it's nice to have someone who believes in you from start to finish."
-Candice, my intelligent friend/neighbor.
who willingly looked at a wedding inspiration blog with me for a couple hours tonight.
because i am a girl. so what?

"What are you doing this week?"
"Working, trying to wrap up my life here in Provo."
"You know that's a sign of someone who is suicidal, 'wrapping up their life' are you feeling alright?"
"Well, people keep telling me when I go on a mission I'm pretty much dead to them. So, yes, voluntary temporary death."

"your mom is telling everyone that she is producing your mission."
(laughter in the background) "not everyone!"
i told her she was producing my mission because every time she calls it's to ask if i've done the paperwork or bought any clothes, etc.

"hello, it's me!"
"you're wearing overalls!"
"yes, they're back in! i just wish these didn't look so 90s and didn't say old navy on them."

"what is this!? just kidding, it's a hymn--so it's great."

sitting watching a movie when the roommate comes in...
"can i watch with you guys?"
"yes, of course."
"great, i love this movie."
(moment passes)
"should i date someone if she's only going to be around until august?"
"sure. why not?"
"do we need to pause the movie for this?"
"no it's fine...
(moment passes)
...it's just that--"
"okay." [pauses the movie]

"i'm trapped in my closet. long story. I'm bored, so i thought i would text you to say hello."

"what if i said, i'm a 21-year-old girl, i'm not creepy?"
"that'd probably make it worse."

Daddy Laws

I'm not sure if he knows this, but my dad has always been my inspiration.

I didn't even realize it at first...But I remember those times of curling up next to him and watching Cool Hand Luke or watching basketball with him and having no idea what's going on but always rooting for the team with either the most interesting mascot or my favorite color on their jersey. I would lay my head on his stomach and it would always make funny noises. And he always made popcorn. And now making movies is what I am actually doing with my life.

He taught me to like music like Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash but he'd also listen to Jet and Dispatch songs on our roadtrips and we spent an hour analyzing the meaning of the General and he thought the words to one song was "take my Frodo off the wall." instead of photo.

On special occasions he'll buy my mom the same flowers they had at their wedding.

He loves my mom. He always teases her but I've never seen them fight.

He always tells me, "the only boy a girl can count on is her daddy."

He didn't give my dog away even though she barked at him every time he came home for about five years. And he would even get up with her in the middle of the night sometimes when she needed to go out.

He loves to travel and has always supported me when I want to do the same.

He hates BYU, but still helped me pay for school.

He trained me to be tough. He always tells me how I hiked five miles when I was five. And he tells it in this way that makes me feel like he was really proud and it makes me want to be tough and endure things that might be hard, because hey if I hiked five miles when I was five, I can do anything right? And he tricked me into going onto scary rides by lying to me and forced me to go onto Indiana Jones twice even though I didn't want to and we only made absolutely necessary stops on roadtrips.

He has taught me important life lessons in a way that makes sense, not in a "do this because i say so" kind of way. He let me figure things out for myself even though he knew what would happen all along.

He would play thumb wars with me at church and now I can beat almost anybody.

He has always told me I can do anything. And he does it in a way that makes me believe him.

outside the provo temple, just two weeks ago.

i'm exactly like every girl in every movie.

all i want someone to go to the U2 laser light show with me.
because i've never been to a laser light show.
and i feel like that is something that should be fixed.
and because i saw a sign for it while in SLake last night.
and i should probably have at least one drug-trip-like experience before i go on a mission.

I didn't know if you wanted to
But I came to pick you up
You didn't even hesitate
And now you and me are on our way
I think I've bought everything we need
Don't look back, don't think of the
Other places you should've been
It's a good thing that you came along with me

-Kings of Convenience

it is hard to do things spontaneously these days, because everyone is so busy
but sometimes we have magical times in the party van
with slab pizza and slurpees and sour grizzly bears
and babetta on the guitar aka the greatest thing ever.
and riding on couches in the back of the van instead of with seatbelts
(sorry, mum, i neglected everything you ever taught me)
even if it ended with (when i say ended i mean it happened throughout the whole time)
everyone yelling at each other like a real family.
and we had to rescue jennie's phone from inside the couch.
and everyone mostly just needed sleep or to be doing responsible things.
but responsibility is no fun during the summer months.

i have three jobs currently.

and at this very second i am working at all of them.

aye caramba.

i don't sleep all that much these days, but when i do i've been having incredible dreams, so more on that when i'm not at works.

some exciting information about my physical health

i don't know why my stomach is so cross with me right now.
i fed it two really good grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch and dinner.
and i even ate something green and some fruit.
and i drank 1/10 of a water bottle.
and i only ate a few of the 28 donuts i got for $3 (ask me how!)

speaking of bodies we talked about deep tissue massages and realigning muscles today and i just want one. someone rearrange my body into the right shape. because i have the dexterity of an old person and my muscles always alternate which one choose to ache on any given day. example, right now my upper thigh hurts awfully, but you can't exactly go up to your friend and be like, "hey, buddy, want to help me out? i really need someone to massage my...upper thigh." maybe you can, but i'm not sure any of my friends love me that much. and i'm too cheap to approach a professional about it.
but there are people who will actually go in and rearrange your muscles...move them from one place to another and apparently it hurts like heck but you feel great afterwards. and they can reach up through your ribcage to your lungs or something crazy like that.
mostly i'm concerned about it now because i am going to be walking 24/7 for 18 months straight and hope my body doesn't completely fall apart or contract into a tangle of misplaced limbs.
because i'm always an achy mess. i still work 12-20 hour days on film sets running around and lifting things, but i'm basically an old person.

and there's a lump in my arm. i tried to diagnose myself through the internet. turns out typing in "strange arm lump" into google doesn't yield helpful results. i figured that's what doctors do when they leave the room for extended periods of time. but then i realized that i am not actually interested in doing research on "strange lumps" because i'm a bit of a hypochondriac and don't need to come away thinking i have seven types of incurable diseases.

lately i keep telling myself i'll go to bed early
but then great people come over and want to have awesome conversations.
and i like that just as much as sleeping (wait, more).

p.s.
on a texting fast for a week.
if you love me you'll call.

it all went perfectly as a funeral should.

the prayers were full of those beautiful pauses that happen when people try and steady their voices.

simple, but blooming arrangements of flowers.

car after car joined the procession. and that was just family.

turns out, you acquire a lot of family when you have ten kids and live for 93 years.

trying to sightread a song that all the granddaughters were singing for the opening song.
oh, but it's okay, because the grandsons were straight up, unarguably awful.
very adorably so. and good comic relief.

and potentially the only african american in blanding sang at her gravesite.

and then we ate the classic funeral potatoes and green beans and ham complete with jello with bananas in it.

then wandering around the cemetery at golden hour. the wonderful thing about the blanding cemetery is that there are probably only five different names altogether on the tombstones.

we are quite lucky to live in a beautiful world.
and to know that even after we leave we are headed somewhere even more wonderful.

i am happy gram gets to see the love of her life after 40 years of missing him.

more thoughts on the usual

We make life too dramatic. Everything needs to be categorized into big events or specific titles and tangible things that we can explain and gloat about.

But life is really just a series of small things.

I think too often we look at coed relationships as conquests. It's either, oh, I didn't date them/can't date them/don't want to date them so whatever, toss that person aside. We want all or nothing, go big or go home, etc. etc. We want to practice his last name with ours as soon as we're introduced and start wondering how many kids they want after talking for an hour.

There's always the, "Well, did you kiss him?" "Are you dating?" "Does he LOVE you?"
We want so desperately to know where things are going instead of enjoying where they are.

People hardly want to hear things like, "Well, it's just really fantastic when he looks at me and I can tell he enjoys my company." or "It's great because we spent four hours talking about how much we love orange juice" or "I like how looks over at me when he tells a joke to see if I am laughing." or "I don't know, sometimes I just sit and watch him edit, because I like being around him." or "He's cool because he lets me order pineapple pizza with bell peppers"

Did I mention that life is made up of small moments? Why not cherish the looks, the games of scrabble, the shared milkshakes (I always wish I had grown up in the 50s). Instead of the elaborate proposal scenes or deep confessions of love that involve running through airports or Notebook-esqe kisses in the rain (because it never really rains when you want it to anyway).

Don't get me wrong. If you want to marry someone, marry them, but consider the steps in between. The friendship part. Because you're not going to marry everyone you love and you shouldn't not love because it's not clearly or certainly ending in holy matrimony.

Too often we become resentful and angry just because someone's feelings are not completely aligned with ours. I have, in the past, had very harsh feelings and caused my friends to have harsh feelings towards people who I personally felt were in the wrong for not coming along and sweeping me off my feet like I wished them to. All the sudden we resort to melodrama and they become the "bad guy" (as well all know the term bad guy exists because it's always the guys fault [/sarcasm]) and they are evil and eggs should be thrown at their car, etc. etc.

And the real tragedy is, these are the people that we love the most that we so quickly turn against when we aren't getting exactly what we want out of the relationship. And it's selfishness. Spoiler alert: You don't always get what you want and maybe we should be happy with all the great things we do have and all the wonderful people that come and go in our lives that we learn lessons from no matter what degree of "seriousness" the relationship stands in.

It's hard and it hurts when you feel like you're not good enough and anger is easier to deal with than sadness because it makes us feel more in control. But it is simply not worth it. And when you're thinking how hard it is to like someone who doesn't like you back maybe consider it might be hard to not like someone who likes you so much. And sometimes you do need time away from people, but don't let it be a grudge you hold forever.

There are people who do things in relationships that make them hard to love, but dwelling too long in depression and anger is just a waste of time.

Broken hearts can and will mend.

Glee

Glee Finale:
Didn't know whether I should cry or throw up.

I say this lovingly, but the writing is SO awful.
They pack too much into each episode and are ultimately running themselves into the ground.
Because [spoiler alert] Quinn's already had her baby (oh and guess who adopts her...yeah, that is realistic, not) and everyone's already dated/tried to date everyone. Rachel already knows who her mom is. People parents have already dated/moved in with each other. Divorces have happened. etc. etc. etc.

Oh, and they actually think Shoe is a good example for them? Are they aware of how many people he has made out with in the last nine months either impulsively or because he wanted something from them?

And apparently, saying I love you during the season finale makes up for episodes and episodes of bad behavior/sleeping around.

And everyone gets what they want, whether they actually deserve it or not.

Oh, and apparently having a baby only takes the length of one song (granted it was Bohemian Rhapsody [oh, and thanks for ruining that song for me])

The person who is doing a good job? Whoever chooses the music and whoever gets the guest actors. The cast is really charming too, I just feel like they aren't given much to work with.

i dug out my old
"i'm sad because i have no love anymore" mix from almost a year ago.
and it consists of:
4 guster songs
3 arcade fire songs
and 1 eels song

i feel like that is not normal...or very complete.

today was sort of awful. except for an awesome conversation in 114 where we all got passionate about things. and watching hachiko: a dog's tale with running commentary:

"What the dog POV!?!? This is preposterous."
"Oh, we've got ourselves a sassy black lady."

"Richard Gere is a dance teacher!?"
"Of course, didn't you see Shall You Dance--Shall We Dance?"
"I didn't see the American one because I would have vomited all over."
-B. Kellz

"Of course he inspired a town, there's only three people in the town."
-Alex

And they never did tell us who Luke was...

Was the movie so bad it was painful? No.
Was the dog so cute it was painful? Y-e-s.

Can I have an Akita please??

today i had one of those "the more you learn the more you realize you know nothing" moments.
it's like, "oh i'm starting to get this...nope, no idea what's going on."
sort of like algebra.

and i just really want a nap.
i am so burned out
and feel so lame
but all i want to do is watch movies with cozy people in cozy environments
or lay in the grass and stare at the sky and feel the wind on my skin

but instead i've been running Hotel Laws (and being a Provo tour guide) and grading papers (probably too nicely) and post-productioning First Look and mission prepping and airport shuttling and commitment making and feature film production assisting and funeral attending and falling asleep during Robin Hood (which was better than everyone said) and JLP hunting and leaving presents for people to sleep on and spending time with the family which has been really great and trying to catch up with people and turning my apartment right-side up again and answering emails and not answering emails etc.

more importantly, today is my mother's birthday and i love her
and wanted to buy her flowers but i was with her all day so i tried to be sneaky, but she watched me buy them.
the thought counts.

i think lightning is highly romantic.
because it's beautiful and unpredictable.
good job with the weather tonight, provo.

also, there are some really cool things about attending a university where your professors have the same beliefs as you. and being in the film program where we're all on first-name basis. it creates a deep level of understanding and a relationship that goes beyond the typical college professor-student relationship.

also, i really like the movie Rushmore.

also, it was really good seeing you (plural) today.

what if life was like the Sims and you could tell how people felt about you just by looking at the symbols above their head?

what would your Sims (I can't even remember how it works it's like + and -?) feel/show about me, huh?

novel.

in my life i've always struggled with things that have time limits.

like, saving candy bars for month, because I know once they were opened, they'd soon be gone.
whenever i got a quarter and there was a bunch of different machines i would go for the one with plastic pieces of junk, because even though they were usually lame, at least they'd last longer than anything edible.
i'd always save the red Skittles for last and eat the rest first.
or thinking, "oh, well, i can't spend very much time with this person, may as well not try and see them at all."
or never sending letters because they don't seem good enough.

but i've learned...
candy bars get gross if you save them for too long.
sometimes a handful of Sprees is more satisfying than a plastic ring that doesn't even fit on your finger.
and if you save the best Skittles for last your brother will come by and eat them before you get a chance to.

so instead of being like, "oh this can't last i might as well not even give it a go at all" you can be like, "hey, this might be something awesome that i can enjoy...even if it's for a short period of time."
because there are these things called memories.
and you can remember the taste of those skittles after they're gone.

and if you always save things for the right time, there may never be a time at all.

* * *

i was feeling lame for not thinking of a proper way to celebrate memorial day...then my dad called this morning and told me his mom had passed away. she was a really great, strong lady that i wish i had been able to know better. she raised ten kids pretty much single-handedly and they all turned out pretty great. i got to spend some time with my uncle's family on sunday and they're pretty phenomenal and boy, can my aunt whip up a good meal. :) family is an organization that compares to no other. it is of uncomprehendable importance.

* * *

i just have to say that i really appreciate the kind of people where hanging out for an evening can go from dancing down the street with an oversized boombox (seriously, if you've never heard Chromeo go look them up) to very loud sing-a-longs to Celine Dion to smoothie drinking to watching Back to the Future to etc.

* * *

sometimes i say really silly things. like: "speaking of Two-Face, did anyone see Iron Man 2?" or making a Glee reference in a room full of men, 2/3 of whom had facial hair.

* * *

too often i forget to breathe. while doing yoga, laughing, parallel parking...etc.
not breathing kills brain cells, so that explains a lot.

* * *

i really, really, really love my brother and his wife. got to spend some time with heather (and evann) as tyler had boys' weekend across the street from their apartment. we did all kinds of things like driving to the gas station for ice cream bars, listening to the glee soundtrack, eating pizza, watching chick-flicks, talking about boys. etc. then we went and shot guns with the boys.

* * *

shooting things (not alive things) is really, really enjoyable. so is looking at animal bones, even though it's kind of morbid too. that's what i got out of my trip to idaho.

* * *

♫ "Darkness, for me, was still light, but in a new form and new rhythm. It was light at a slower pace. In other words, nothing in the world, not even what I saw inside myself with closed eyelids, was outside this great miracle of light." -Jacques Lusseyran

* * *

if you didn't appreciate anything else in this post, i hope you can appreciate this:

xkcd.com