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Feb 28, 2012


"the only way to be happy is to love. Unless you love, life will flash by." -The Tree of Life

Just watched this movie and I really liked it. I thought parts of it were overwhelmingly gorgeous. I want to be swallowed up in it and fall asleep to the creation of this wonderful place we live. Aren't we lucky? Also, I loved: "he's in God's hands now." "he always was..."

God is a real part of our lives it's nice when He doesn't get written out of everything.

I almost stopped watching halfway through, not because it wasn't mesmerizing but because it touched on something that I am terrified of--and not just that freaky swimming snake.

I love the 50s...absolutely love the dresses, the style, the Life magazines, the ads, etc. But nothing bothers me more than the 50s housewife image-- the idea of not having a voice, of being controlled by another person. Yeah, I'm kind of a feminist hippy. Mostly I just hate/get so uncomfortable around scary dads/husbands. I don't think anyone should be scared in their own home ever, the world is scary enough outside. But 50s or 2010s it's happening everywhere all around us.

I'm grateful that I've been taught my whole life that I matter. That I've held leadership positions and been able to have opinions. Someday I'll get married and I'll be happy to have a husband who leads the household and hopefully respectful children, but no yelling, no fighting. Which I guess is something I should work on...because I kind of enjoy it.

I will never forget my professor who told me to "have an opinion dammit.[in a loving way]" And I hope my kids grow up the same way, with opinions. That they are thinkers, explorers and unrestrained creators...hopefully they can do that without being total terrors.

Sometimes my dream job is to go around empowering young women (not saying women are always the victim, we can be mean too) and telling them, us, all of us. That we matter.

Of all the crazy, beautiful, breath-taking creations around us we are the most precious to our Heavenly Father. And he created us to be vibrant, passionate, decision making human beings.

I shared the italicized part of this quote in my talk on Sunday:

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no 'ordinary' people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilisations -- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whome we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously -- no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner -- no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment."

--C. S. Lewis, From The Weight of Glory.

Do you have any idea who you are?

Road to recovery

Well, these past few days have been awful and I've been a big baby about it but it turns out not being able to sit is a little funny but mostly awful. I feel like a slug. And I keep getting ideas I want to write but my shoulders get tired when I try and prop myself up at my laptop (ghetto laptop, with the ghetto plug that just shocked me--I'm typing this on my phone). And my appetite has been going bipolar on me.

There. I'm not always optimistic. Meanwhile, I am trying to deal with the post mission floundering, setting things in order for my return to Ptown while having flashbacks to ancient cities every time I close my eyes. And I'm trying to make the most of my time at home because who knows if I'll ever be home like this again. I just want to enjoy being with my family but instead I'm all grumpy because, here's a secret, I really, really hate being sick. I somehow after all that happened on my mission still haven't learned this one. I hate feeling useless. I hate not contributing to something...even though I managed to speak at stake conference, that was a small contribution.

I do really love my family here in Salem. I love my dad's sarcasm and my mom's willingness to try pintrest recipes and go and rent all the movies I wanted to watch. I love that she sat by me as I laid on the floor in a random classroom at church after I spoke on Sunday at stake conference because I couldn't sit anymore. I love how my sister in law laughs at everything and how nice my brother is to her. I like that Will watches everything with me and Caleb is not afraid to tell me I have a problem when he sees me watching Taylor Swift music videos and that he let me tackle him into the snow "because I'm a girl". I love my aunt Sybil and her beautiful children that have always been our best friends. I love Katie and Char and baby Molly.

Etc. Etc. I just turned complaining into a gratitude rant...I can't do anything right.

Feb 24, 2012


Last painkillers I took were sixteen hours ago and I feel awesome. Still sore, but in an awesome sort of way. I am owning this recovery.

But...I still am supposed to stay laying down all day. Which stinks.

Feb 23, 2012

i just remembered one of my favorite songs before the mission.

If There Was No You by Brandie Carlile on Grooveshark

and this awesome valentine i got last year.

i've always felt lucky to have great people in my life.
thank you, all of you.

there are some of you i am absolutely dying to see.


"there's no chance to fail if you never give up." 
-lovely, still 
(i recommend it if you want a film about nothing but love in it's simplest form...and if you want to be emotionally compromised)

so sandwiched between an episode of glee and an episode of parks & rec + pain killers = what's my name again?

also watched Life in a Day. Good. Not that I ever want to see anyone give birth ever. But it was good.
Good is such a good word.

Post surgery.

Wow. These pain killers are real good. When I got my wisdom teeth out I hated it because they made me sleepy and grouchy.

Instead of waking up from pain I wake up and am like, let's party!!

Too bad I'm not even supposed to walk around for two days. And that feeling really only last ten minutes before I pass out again.

But it went well and all the nurses were super nice to me. And my mom and family are super nice to me. And my ice pack is super nice to me.

And that's ten minutes so I'm out again.

Feb 22, 2012

girls just wanna have fun.

I remember when I first got into film I thought, if I could make music videos for the rest of my life I'd probably die happy...

Why do I love music videos so much? Because they are fun. We could all use a more fun in our life. Sometimes fun gets a bad rap because it keeps us from doing the things we are supposed to be doing. But I am here to tell you that you can find fun in everything you do even those things you are supposed to be doing.

Look at parents, they are supposed to be taking care of their kids. But who are the best parents? Ones that play with their kids. Why do I love some dentists/doctors/physical therapists/bank tellers/accountants more than others? Because some are personable and know how to be light-hearted and that makes people comfortable. It is a very important skill. 

Sometimes people look at me funny when I said my mission was really fun. It's not that I wasn't working hard, or having immense trials, or doing things that were harder than I had ever done in my life. It's that I learned to have real joy in the journey. I learned to be much more professional, but I also learned how to show people in the world that there is room to play in our lives. Most of all the our purpose in life is to have joy and experience happiness.

Like right now...I am about to go into surgery and instead of being scared (okay, I am a little scared, but only because my little brother asked if I was) I am looking forward to how hilarious I will be when I come out of it. And that I'll be allowed to...required to even wear sweatpants for about 2 weeks. (Minus when I am speaking in church, we'll see how that one goes, hopefully I won't be on too many painkillers by then).

I began typing up my last will & testament in case of incident as a hilarious joke.

Most of my friends are the artist type, filmmakers, animators, graffiti artists, interior designers, actors, musicians, etc. etc. And obviously we have fun with what we do, but I don't think it's that either, I think you can have fun being an accountant. I once dated someone who honestly loved Economics and while I was highly confused at first I began to see how beautiful it is that we all have something we love.

I love that it can be like, hey, what do we do on a rainy afternoon? I don't know, let's make a music video...
(this is one of the first things I made)

So, here's to fun!!

Maybe this next one wasn't fun for everyone involved.

And here's to living life the way you want to, always.
Though I am not condoning criminal acts. I do, however, plan on spray painting a train some day.

Side note: I have always LOVED this song, used to wake up to it every morning. And I cannot think of a better music video for it.
Also, one last fun thing I want to do this

Feb 21, 2012

goal for life: more home videos.

Socially Networked.

So, here's a review over a year later...but I know there are people out there DYING to know what I thought about Social Network.

So, here goes...Before I left for my mission I watched the trailer and I was impressed. Even though I am in film and all that I usually watch trailers and think, "I am going to wait for someone else to tell me if this movie is actually worth seeing." That makes me sound like I have no brain. I was exaggerating. Every once in a while one really gets me, this was one of them. And props for the Radiohead song.

But, like the pessimist I almost never am, I assumed  amazing trailer=bad movie.

Wrong. It was good. Really good even. As far as a film.

...as far as it affected me emotionally. Well, let's talk about that a moment.

1. I feel like a failure, because when's the last time I started up a billion dollar company?...I haven't even made it to the millions.
2. I get excited when this blog gets 600 hits...a month. Granted I am not offering you much here, just me.
3. I know things get dramatized for movies, but...he was a jerk. Yeah, and I am blogging about it.
4. Right after I watched it I was like...Should I be supporting this? And sort of have the desire to never get on facebook again and so much for never having ads, Mark...

I love that of course the Napster guy got all up it and that he was played by JT.
and...I really, really loved the ending. I think that it was perfect.
I love that he was wearing a GAP sweatshirt.
I loved the psycho girlfriend, because that was just a what-the-heck? moment. Poor kid...

Also, transmedia relationships are a headache. I feel like there are too many things to keep up with people on (says the girl who blogs always).

Downloaded Voxer...which I sort of love for the walkie talkie-ness of it and it's just fun. But now it's one more thing to be like, "hey, I need to contact someone, do I call/text/email/facebook/vox/audio msg/video msg/gchat/tag them in a tweet/send a carrier pigeon/write a blog post in hopes that they realize that I am trying to communicate something to them through youtube videos and rants about nothing/videocall/write a letter and then take a picture of it on my phone and text it to them"

Which, part of me likes, because I like options, and I like multimedia...but the other part of me gets a headache and I feel like someone should write a rule book for usage of the different types of communication.

The other day someone called our house phone and talked to my mom first. I was like, wait, what? That phone is actually good for something beside telemarketers and receptionists calling to confirm appointments?

One more thing, because I am sure your attention span is spent on this post by now.
Social Network reminded me that I had a livejournal...Oh boy, it's always embarrassing to read those things.

Back when I was so uninformed about the world. Like referring to Speed Racer as Speedrunner and I just had so many aspirations back then...Here is one of the few things I found that wasn't all about boys.

[04 Jun 2008|02:37pm]

What are five things on your to-do list?
1. get a job [check, but now i have to do it again]
2. get into the film program [check]
3. have a boyfriend longer than four months [no comment]
4. go to italy [double check!]
5. make a kickin' movie[more or less check]

What are five snacks you enjoy?
1. cheesy bagels with avocado and cream cheese.
2. fruit of any kind.
3. costco rolls
4. curly fries
5. ice cream

What are five of your bad habits?
1. leaving my shoes everywhere
2. leaving cupboard doors open
3. eating too much sugar
4. putting toast in the toaster and forgetting about it
5. flirting

Looking at other entries, I am not sure why I used the word "hot" to describe almost everyone, or why I ever thought it was a good idea to post my secrets all over the internet or why I still continue to do so: HEY, EVERYONE! I am getting a cyst removed on Wednesday. Ask me about the specifics.

But there are some things that are really cool to remember and remind me why it's good to keep a journal. May 2008, one of our family friends was diagnosed with cancer and told he'd have six months...Well, guess who is still kicking almost 4 years later. I can't believe it's been that long.

And now back to technology, I think Google could convince me anything is a good idea.

Feb 20, 2012


Loved my old roommate Steph's post about Pintrest.

When people who don't know you start to follow your boards... it makes you actually feel like you succeeded at life... or something like that.

Other people can pin things to your board!  So I don't have to do all the work planning my wedding, other people can find things for me.  (Did I mention I'm getting married?  I think it was eclipsed by the discovery of Pinterest.  But I'm getting married on August 4, 2012--Yay!)

In other Pintrest news, I just managed to find a photo of Paul Newman for almost every board category I have.

I absolutely adore that man. Cool Hand Luke has been one of my favorite movies since I was about 12. He had one of the longest celebrity marriages, is a great actor, and makes a mean salad dressing. Not to mention he's totally dreamy.

But, no joke, I get off the plane after 18 months in Italy and on the way to the car my mom goes, "You've got to get on Pintrest." The other day she said, "Can you grab my pintrest? I mean--iPad?" 

And she coined the term, "Pinster" women who's husbands leave them because they spend too much time on Pintrest. 

Jokes aside, I think it's fantastic because even people like me can be organized and if you can get through all the kitty pictures and cheesy quotes there's some really good stuff.

But it does kind of bug me that it seems to be upping the anty on everything, weddings, baked goods, houses...And no one feels creative anymore because it's like, "oh, you got that on Pintrest didn't you?" 

And I feel like there should be a style besides skinny jeans, boots, scarves, cardigan or pretty dress with heels.

Even if those are maybe my two favorite styles. 

I don't know how to give a bad review.

Feb 19, 2012

delayed Valentines.

these are the Valentine's I made this year, if I knew your address you got one in the mail, but because I love ALL of you, here you go...

 and one inspirational one for the gurlz,

Feb 17, 2012

Just listen to the new song I added (first one on the playlist) and then do dance aerobics to it.

That's my morning. Gotta get all my dancing out before I am cut up and sewn back together and out of commission for two weeks.

Feb 14, 2012

more thoughts on amore.

A shout out to my favorite not couples:

Liz Lemon and Jack(y) D.
Is it wrong that I want that to happen so desperately.
Gosh, what a tease.

Elaine and Jerry.

Jess and Rori.
It is like the most painful thing ever for me that that never happens.

And me and JP.

And NOT favorite couples:
Anyone with Justin Bieber. Sorry, but he looks 14.

Watched Grease tonight. Yes I am aware I have a million movies to catch up on but instead am watching reruns and old movies. I have no structure in my life!!!!!

Went to a "social event" and still feel awkward because I just want to kiss everyone...the Italian way not the Valentine's day way.

the valentine's day post.

I wouldn't call myself the most "romantic" person in the world. Romantic being roses, diamonds, and fancy restaurants. None of which interest me.

My idea of love involves wearing sweatshirts + leggings and cuddling while eating thai food and/or ice cream with gummi bears. Building forts out of blankets. Watching reruns of Seinfeld/Boy Meets World/something similar. AKA my life with Elizabeth and S204. Or late-night adventures under the stars and singing in cars. Falling asleep on the couch with Rancheritos in front of us. Dancing in the street. Going to movies in coordinating outfits. Curry. Slurpees. Walking on the beach and getting milkshakes. Watching old movies and getting really into them. Hiding behind doors and scaring people like Hobbes. Impromptu music vidoes. You know, the same stuff everyone likes.

vintage sweater from aunt Sybil. arrow through my heart. love it.

And after 18 months of actively ignoring any sort of romantical interest I don't even know where to begin or do with my life as far as love.

But, I will describe my perfect Valentine in five easy steps:
1. Good sense of humor.
2. Real sense of adventure.
3. Likes dancing.
4. A total fox.
5. Has a voice like George Clooney.

Maybe you know someone like that?

Only downside is he's already taken.

Mrs. Fox: We're all different. [indicates Mr. Fox] Especially him. But there's something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?


Did you see the ADORABLE video on the google homepage? Isn't it really that simple in the end?

my other favorite VLNT9's cartoon

Then there's everyone's favorite couple....these videos are silly but, who can resist it??

What I was really looking for was just the scene at the end of Season 2 where he kisses her, because wasn't that like the manliest thing you've ever seen? Who thinks, I just got rejected, I am going to go for it anyway? Blew my mind the first time I saw it. And still does. Gutsy.

and more fun: how to write a crazy love letter

my Valentine's day mission: figure out what to do with the middle aged men from across the sea that are quite possibly in love with me.

my Valentine's day advice: Just call her. You know she'd love to hear from you and it's not like the number's changed.

the other greatest love story:

"Love is meant to be an ADVENTURE."
-Gordon B. Hinkley

In other holiday news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OREGON!!
She celebrated by being her beautiful grey and gloomy self.
love you, state of my heart.

Feb 12, 2012

oooo i wanna dance with somebody

today i spoke in church.
i invited six or so people besides family.
no one came.

which was wonderfully reminiscent of my mission.
it was perfect. :)

if anyone was around my house yesterday evening you would have seen me dancing to this:

with everyone else in my household. man, i love those Lawses+hilary+megan (honorary Lawses since 1997).

And my little brother rocks on the cello, just thought you should know.

Seriously, though. I wanna dance with somebody. Any takers?
though i might pass out in your arms because i am still horrendously ill. :/

Feb 10, 2012


plus sides to being sick:
.meeting interesting doctors
.wearing leggings and flannel shirts all day
.watching movies
.like alice and wonderland (i'm so behind, because i was behind before i even got behind)
.and then having weird dreams afterwards about following the rabbit through a labrynth and trying to find will ferrel...not sure how he was going to help, but in the dream i kept saying, "guys, we should just call will ferrell! where's my iphone?"
.[like i could actually make a call with it once i got it in my hands]
.maybe because i also watched season 7 of the office in a 1.5 days.
.blue powerade tastes 1,000 times more delicious.
.watching Seinfeld and then remembering how funny Seinfeld is while sitting in waiting rooms.
i should clarify i really haven't been to the doctor that much, part of that was the eye doctor which doesn't have anything to do with anything...unless they're the ones who gave me this!

.waking up at 4am 3 days in a row with weird allergic reactions that made me wonder, "am i a man or a muppet??" because my face was GIANT. in different places each day. and today there were giant welts on my legs. but everything goes away during the day and then comes back.

apparently i am allergic to sleeping...or my bed...or i really need to stop cage fighting in my sleep. funny, that i thought coming home i would magically never get sick again, ha. ha. ha. ha. ha. it was a nice thought.

i will show you fotos of the hideousness for a fee of a 20 oz. (minimum) slurpee.
smartphone is good for something

reality check:
sitting in the doctor's office looking at these incredible photos makes you feel silly for complaining about anything ever.

and lastly, because this post is consistently off topic and because i like it:

Feb 8, 2012


What is your favorite love song?

What song to you illustrates love perfectly?

Or what line from a song?

What's the mushiest line you've ever heard?

What are the greatest love stories?

Answer and then I'll tell you some of mine.

p.s. isn't it cute when people love their wives?

The Shins: “September” (b-side of “Simple Song” 7”) from Record Store Day on Vimeo.

Feb 7, 2012

Needy Girl

Sometimes I feel like this song was written about me.

Needy Girl by Chromeo on Grooveshark

Obviously not ALL the lyrics, but I feel so needy sometimes, I am 22 years old and still get my mom to come with me to all my doctors appointments.

and i have brown eyes.

Feb 4, 2012


i feel like my mind comes up with beautiful, emotional, one liners that people would probably love to photoshop onto artsy photographs of people on swings or oceansides but when i think of typing them out myself i think, that just sounds ridiculous.

and sometimes i get very emotionally involved in movies but most of the time it's more like today when we were watching harry potter 7: part 1 and someone (won't give it away, but who besides me hasn't seen them?) is in harry's arms dying dramatically and the first thing that comes to mind and out of my mouth is (singing) "i'm just dying in your arms tonight." and i look over and megan is wiping tears away.

i should probably work on being less like a robot and more like a girl. But, robots don't ride zebras so I must be doing okay.

this evening watched Tangled with my brother. loved it. loved the horse. loved that once again the love interest is a renegade tool that somehow pulls of charming and of course runs away. because that's what we do, we run away from feelings.

or ignore them. or let other people talk us out of them.

"i think he likes me!"
"likes you, please, rapunzel that's demented."

Feb 2, 2012

home life.

Listening to: Radiohead - No Surprises makes me feel like crying...that, or hugging someone who smells really nice.

Being back in Salem is so lovely sometimes. Full of grand memories and soggy streets. I am so glad I grew up here.
we were just here, learning to spell and doing talent shows and inventing games on the playground and not climbing trees because we'd get in trouble.
the "big tree" doesn't seem so big these days.

Just made dinner and sent the parents off to the weekly church activity for the youth, talk about role reversal.

i love my mother. maybe because she's just like me.

not pictured, but i was smiling pretty big too. were three sweeter words ever written?

me: sorry i'm mean.
her: sorry i'm judgmental.

me: i wonder how many people would join if i had a fan club.
her: it'd be like pintrest, we would have to have people ask to join otherwise it would overload.
I'm so vain, but I can't really help it, when it's true, you know?

Waiting for mom to come out of work, well, we managed to entertain ourselves..

we still don't know how caleb did that.
feels nice to be part of a family again.

So part of the weird being back things I do, besides not knowing how to communicate in English is that I freak out about fast food places. Seriously, it's like, "ohmigosh! Taco Bell." or "omigosh, Sonic." "omigosh, Panda Express. Panda express!!" "Seriously, i need a taco. Not like a good taco, a bad fast-food taco." "omigosh! SLURPEES."

missed them. lots.

Back to Happy Curry Foods. They make delicious sauces. I pulled up bollywood music while cooking and eating (and dancing) for added authenticy. Thank you, Pandora. and thank you Happy Curry Foods. And thank you for that name.

And still pretty much a missionary, talked to the lady who cut my hair about the church and taught a lesson this morning for the missionaries to this awesome lady.

Last night, went to Caleb's bball game (photos on mum's iPhone) and I just have always loved going to his games, then I went to a chocolate fondue game night with mostly married ladies and it was fun and also so different than mission life with 19 year old boys. I think I almost fit in though...maybe, not so much when they were talking about gyms and children, but at least I use pintrest now.

Ask me how much I loved the Muppets. I'll tell you, SO MUCH. Like, maybe it's inspired me to open up my own production company and also to sing and dance all around the house...and the city.
DON'T love how Netflix instantplay has nothing I want to see on it.

Mum's dragged me about shopping trying to get me sharp looking, but I've got it all figured out:
Step one: Buy sweater on clearance.
Step two: Sew on elbow patches.

having fun, but wouldn't mind being in provo either.

Feb 1, 2012


Was this song popular here? It was on the radio all the time in Italy about a year ago. I loved it.

One day we were walking down the street at night and this kid rides by on his bike whistling it--can you whistle at the top of your lungs? If so, he was doing that--it was rather magical, to say the least.