i have three jobs currently.

and at this very second i am working at all of them.

aye caramba.

i don't sleep all that much these days, but when i do i've been having incredible dreams, so more on that when i'm not at works.

some exciting information about my physical health

i don't know why my stomach is so cross with me right now.
i fed it two really good grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch and dinner.
and i even ate something green and some fruit.
and i drank 1/10 of a water bottle.
and i only ate a few of the 28 donuts i got for $3 (ask me how!)

speaking of bodies we talked about deep tissue massages and realigning muscles today and i just want one. someone rearrange my body into the right shape. because i have the dexterity of an old person and my muscles always alternate which one choose to ache on any given day. example, right now my upper thigh hurts awfully, but you can't exactly go up to your friend and be like, "hey, buddy, want to help me out? i really need someone to massage my...upper thigh." maybe you can, but i'm not sure any of my friends love me that much. and i'm too cheap to approach a professional about it.
but there are people who will actually go in and rearrange your muscles...move them from one place to another and apparently it hurts like heck but you feel great afterwards. and they can reach up through your ribcage to your lungs or something crazy like that.
mostly i'm concerned about it now because i am going to be walking 24/7 for 18 months straight and hope my body doesn't completely fall apart or contract into a tangle of misplaced limbs.
because i'm always an achy mess. i still work 12-20 hour days on film sets running around and lifting things, but i'm basically an old person.

and there's a lump in my arm. i tried to diagnose myself through the internet. turns out typing in "strange arm lump" into google doesn't yield helpful results. i figured that's what doctors do when they leave the room for extended periods of time. but then i realized that i am not actually interested in doing research on "strange lumps" because i'm a bit of a hypochondriac and don't need to come away thinking i have seven types of incurable diseases.

lately i keep telling myself i'll go to bed early
but then great people come over and want to have awesome conversations.
and i like that just as much as sleeping (wait, more).

p.s.
on a texting fast for a week.
if you love me you'll call.

it all went perfectly as a funeral should.

the prayers were full of those beautiful pauses that happen when people try and steady their voices.

simple, but blooming arrangements of flowers.

car after car joined the procession. and that was just family.

turns out, you acquire a lot of family when you have ten kids and live for 93 years.

trying to sightread a song that all the granddaughters were singing for the opening song.
oh, but it's okay, because the grandsons were straight up, unarguably awful.
very adorably so. and good comic relief.

and potentially the only african american in blanding sang at her gravesite.

and then we ate the classic funeral potatoes and green beans and ham complete with jello with bananas in it.

then wandering around the cemetery at golden hour. the wonderful thing about the blanding cemetery is that there are probably only five different names altogether on the tombstones.

we are quite lucky to live in a beautiful world.
and to know that even after we leave we are headed somewhere even more wonderful.

i am happy gram gets to see the love of her life after 40 years of missing him.

more thoughts on the usual

We make life too dramatic. Everything needs to be categorized into big events or specific titles and tangible things that we can explain and gloat about.

But life is really just a series of small things.

I think too often we look at coed relationships as conquests. It's either, oh, I didn't date them/can't date them/don't want to date them so whatever, toss that person aside. We want all or nothing, go big or go home, etc. etc. We want to practice his last name with ours as soon as we're introduced and start wondering how many kids they want after talking for an hour.

There's always the, "Well, did you kiss him?" "Are you dating?" "Does he LOVE you?"
We want so desperately to know where things are going instead of enjoying where they are.

People hardly want to hear things like, "Well, it's just really fantastic when he looks at me and I can tell he enjoys my company." or "It's great because we spent four hours talking about how much we love orange juice" or "I like how looks over at me when he tells a joke to see if I am laughing." or "I don't know, sometimes I just sit and watch him edit, because I like being around him." or "He's cool because he lets me order pineapple pizza with bell peppers"

Did I mention that life is made up of small moments? Why not cherish the looks, the games of scrabble, the shared milkshakes (I always wish I had grown up in the 50s). Instead of the elaborate proposal scenes or deep confessions of love that involve running through airports or Notebook-esqe kisses in the rain (because it never really rains when you want it to anyway).

Don't get me wrong. If you want to marry someone, marry them, but consider the steps in between. The friendship part. Because you're not going to marry everyone you love and you shouldn't not love because it's not clearly or certainly ending in holy matrimony.

Too often we become resentful and angry just because someone's feelings are not completely aligned with ours. I have, in the past, had very harsh feelings and caused my friends to have harsh feelings towards people who I personally felt were in the wrong for not coming along and sweeping me off my feet like I wished them to. All the sudden we resort to melodrama and they become the "bad guy" (as well all know the term bad guy exists because it's always the guys fault [/sarcasm]) and they are evil and eggs should be thrown at their car, etc. etc.

And the real tragedy is, these are the people that we love the most that we so quickly turn against when we aren't getting exactly what we want out of the relationship. And it's selfishness. Spoiler alert: You don't always get what you want and maybe we should be happy with all the great things we do have and all the wonderful people that come and go in our lives that we learn lessons from no matter what degree of "seriousness" the relationship stands in.

It's hard and it hurts when you feel like you're not good enough and anger is easier to deal with than sadness because it makes us feel more in control. But it is simply not worth it. And when you're thinking how hard it is to like someone who doesn't like you back maybe consider it might be hard to not like someone who likes you so much. And sometimes you do need time away from people, but don't let it be a grudge you hold forever.

There are people who do things in relationships that make them hard to love, but dwelling too long in depression and anger is just a waste of time.

Broken hearts can and will mend.

Glee

Glee Finale:
Didn't know whether I should cry or throw up.

I say this lovingly, but the writing is SO awful.
They pack too much into each episode and are ultimately running themselves into the ground.
Because [spoiler alert] Quinn's already had her baby (oh and guess who adopts her...yeah, that is realistic, not) and everyone's already dated/tried to date everyone. Rachel already knows who her mom is. People parents have already dated/moved in with each other. Divorces have happened. etc. etc. etc.

Oh, and they actually think Shoe is a good example for them? Are they aware of how many people he has made out with in the last nine months either impulsively or because he wanted something from them?

And apparently, saying I love you during the season finale makes up for episodes and episodes of bad behavior/sleeping around.

And everyone gets what they want, whether they actually deserve it or not.

Oh, and apparently having a baby only takes the length of one song (granted it was Bohemian Rhapsody [oh, and thanks for ruining that song for me])

The person who is doing a good job? Whoever chooses the music and whoever gets the guest actors. The cast is really charming too, I just feel like they aren't given much to work with.

i dug out my old
"i'm sad because i have no love anymore" mix from almost a year ago.
and it consists of:
4 guster songs
3 arcade fire songs
and 1 eels song

i feel like that is not normal...or very complete.

today was sort of awful. except for an awesome conversation in 114 where we all got passionate about things. and watching hachiko: a dog's tale with running commentary:

"What the dog POV!?!? This is preposterous."
"Oh, we've got ourselves a sassy black lady."

"Richard Gere is a dance teacher!?"
"Of course, didn't you see Shall You Dance--Shall We Dance?"
"I didn't see the American one because I would have vomited all over."
-B. Kellz

"Of course he inspired a town, there's only three people in the town."
-Alex

And they never did tell us who Luke was...

Was the movie so bad it was painful? No.
Was the dog so cute it was painful? Y-e-s.

Can I have an Akita please??

today i had one of those "the more you learn the more you realize you know nothing" moments.
it's like, "oh i'm starting to get this...nope, no idea what's going on."
sort of like algebra.

and i just really want a nap.
i am so burned out
and feel so lame
but all i want to do is watch movies with cozy people in cozy environments
or lay in the grass and stare at the sky and feel the wind on my skin

but instead i've been running Hotel Laws (and being a Provo tour guide) and grading papers (probably too nicely) and post-productioning First Look and mission prepping and airport shuttling and commitment making and feature film production assisting and funeral attending and falling asleep during Robin Hood (which was better than everyone said) and JLP hunting and leaving presents for people to sleep on and spending time with the family which has been really great and trying to catch up with people and turning my apartment right-side up again and answering emails and not answering emails etc.

more importantly, today is my mother's birthday and i love her
and wanted to buy her flowers but i was with her all day so i tried to be sneaky, but she watched me buy them.
the thought counts.

i think lightning is highly romantic.
because it's beautiful and unpredictable.
good job with the weather tonight, provo.

also, there are some really cool things about attending a university where your professors have the same beliefs as you. and being in the film program where we're all on first-name basis. it creates a deep level of understanding and a relationship that goes beyond the typical college professor-student relationship.

also, i really like the movie Rushmore.

also, it was really good seeing you (plural) today.

what if life was like the Sims and you could tell how people felt about you just by looking at the symbols above their head?

what would your Sims (I can't even remember how it works it's like + and -?) feel/show about me, huh?

novel.

in my life i've always struggled with things that have time limits.

like, saving candy bars for month, because I know once they were opened, they'd soon be gone.
whenever i got a quarter and there was a bunch of different machines i would go for the one with plastic pieces of junk, because even though they were usually lame, at least they'd last longer than anything edible.
i'd always save the red Skittles for last and eat the rest first.
or thinking, "oh, well, i can't spend very much time with this person, may as well not try and see them at all."
or never sending letters because they don't seem good enough.

but i've learned...
candy bars get gross if you save them for too long.
sometimes a handful of Sprees is more satisfying than a plastic ring that doesn't even fit on your finger.
and if you save the best Skittles for last your brother will come by and eat them before you get a chance to.

so instead of being like, "oh this can't last i might as well not even give it a go at all" you can be like, "hey, this might be something awesome that i can enjoy...even if it's for a short period of time."
because there are these things called memories.
and you can remember the taste of those skittles after they're gone.

and if you always save things for the right time, there may never be a time at all.

* * *

i was feeling lame for not thinking of a proper way to celebrate memorial day...then my dad called this morning and told me his mom had passed away. she was a really great, strong lady that i wish i had been able to know better. she raised ten kids pretty much single-handedly and they all turned out pretty great. i got to spend some time with my uncle's family on sunday and they're pretty phenomenal and boy, can my aunt whip up a good meal. :) family is an organization that compares to no other. it is of uncomprehendable importance.

* * *

i just have to say that i really appreciate the kind of people where hanging out for an evening can go from dancing down the street with an oversized boombox (seriously, if you've never heard Chromeo go look them up) to very loud sing-a-longs to Celine Dion to smoothie drinking to watching Back to the Future to etc.

* * *

sometimes i say really silly things. like: "speaking of Two-Face, did anyone see Iron Man 2?" or making a Glee reference in a room full of men, 2/3 of whom had facial hair.

* * *

too often i forget to breathe. while doing yoga, laughing, parallel parking...etc.
not breathing kills brain cells, so that explains a lot.

* * *

i really, really, really love my brother and his wife. got to spend some time with heather (and evann) as tyler had boys' weekend across the street from their apartment. we did all kinds of things like driving to the gas station for ice cream bars, listening to the glee soundtrack, eating pizza, watching chick-flicks, talking about boys. etc. then we went and shot guns with the boys.

* * *

shooting things (not alive things) is really, really enjoyable. so is looking at animal bones, even though it's kind of morbid too. that's what i got out of my trip to idaho.

* * *

♫ "Darkness, for me, was still light, but in a new form and new rhythm. It was light at a slower pace. In other words, nothing in the world, not even what I saw inside myself with closed eyelids, was outside this great miracle of light." -Jacques Lusseyran

* * *

if you didn't appreciate anything else in this post, i hope you can appreciate this:

xkcd.com