"there are two kinds of people in the world.
the people you like and the people you don't know."

sometimes feeling intense emotion is cool.
it makes me feel like a real artist.

and it's lovely

once in a while
there are these
little moments
where i realize
that me and life
are good friends.

maybe even bffs.

usually they involve
the wonderful people
that are in my life.

[/gratitude]

get by with a little help from my friends.

i need the world to know that i have the most amazing friends that i probably don't deserve.
i just wish i had more time for them.


right now i sort of just want to be in love and take pictures of pretty things and bake cookies and play with puppies and walk around without coats on and watch movies in blanket forts and maybe rollerblade, even though it scares me.

but i am being patient, 'cause i know that day will come eventually.

did i mention i love producing?
because, oh, i love it.
it's like a wonderful drug.
i wish desperately it was the only thing i had to focus on right now.

and i love my professors this semester.
because they give me the attention i desperately crave.
(i'm neeeeeeedy)

love is.

“The principle of love within us is an attribute of the Deity, and it is placed within us to be dispensed independently according to our own will."
-Brigham Young




if you don't get this reference...please go here

I hope your Valentine's day/weekend was as magical as mine was.
I got to hang out with rad people.
Eat too many cookies.
And there was even a puppy to play with.

love is universal

We all have something to say about love, let's be honest.

I know this because since I started posting about it there have been many more comments.

Love is universal
and also universally not understood.

Speaking of love, I got two letters from my bffs on missions today. Can't wait for them to return to me.

p.s.
I'm totally a professional filmmaker after yesterday.

And I love that I have relationships with my professors where I can talk to them about almost anything. Or text them about using a bedsheet as a greenscreen.

"I think since everyone is abrreviating things these days we should start extending them, you know like 'oh, that's brillsvilles city, USA.'"

love is probably 97% timing*

you have to find someone who is single at the same time you are
and looking for a relationship at the same time you are
and wait until Romeo wakes up before you kill yourself.

*the other three percent is magic.

Love is Complicated...

...because it should be.

There's no rhyme
And there's no reason
You're the secret in the back of my skull
There's no logic
So please believe me
Our love's confusing
But it never gets dull

Ben Lee - Ache for You




I am overwhelmingly, beautifully busy these days.
No rest until April..

Oh, and I'm making a movie this summer.
Who wants in?

Love is Understanding

I've been thinking about that love means never having to say you're sorry. And this is the conclusion I've come to

Really loving someone means understanding why they do what they do.
So if you understand a person intentions you don't have to wait for them to come out and say their sorry.
If you're in a loving relationship chances are the person is not keen on intentionally hurting you.
And it's better to just assume the best of people.

That being said, the quote still needs more explanation.

You really have to know and understand the people around you or it'll be a constant state of offense. Understand what people mean rather than the words they actually say. Understand that sometimes people need their space, no matter how much they love you. Understand that sometimes people need less space and want to have you near.

Understand who your friends are as people. If you know what excites/inspires/enthralls them you can better communicate with them. With my little brother it's best to speak in video game and fantasy novel analogies. With my mother it's Gilmore Girls and 30 Rock quotes. With Jennie it is endless film set related jokes. With Alex it's pop culture references and singing sentences that end with "yeaaaaah". Find what works and use it. Even if we all speak English, it's not all the same language.

this weekend.

I put lotion on my face a little too close to my eyes and it is tingling in a sort of awful sort of wonderful way. It's like chewing mint gum that is a little too minty.

My ankles itch like crazy. I think hell would probably be eternally itchy ankles.

I am not prepared for this week, I don't think. I am constantly throwing myself into situations where I have no idea what to expect (that's pretty much what life is) and it grates on the nervous sometimes. Every once in a while I struggle inexplicably with anxiety.

And now all the sudden the break is over and it's back to the difficulties of life and scheduling and trying to pretend like I can interact with other humans normally.

My nose keeps running just enough to make it an issue then it stops and returns a few hours later.

There were so many small moments this weekend that I didn't even realize were so wonderful until I begin to look back on it.

Sometimes, I rather enjoy being a minority.

Inefficient stalkers: stalk outside the wrong apartment complex.

There is nothing like driving up to your apartment and seeing Willem in a sort of tunic outside meticulously spray painting his entire body, with his leg up on the railing.
"What on earth is he doing?"
"I think that is real spray paint."
"No way."
[four songs later]
"He's still going..."
Then Kelsie comes out and he start spray painting her while Austin just stands in the doorway. Then he lets Willem spray paint him.
"I'm pretty sure even if we knew what was going on, this wouldn't make sense."

I love dinner parties...Because it means I eat real food. And it was good food.
Thank you, Alex for letting me drag you along to a female dominated event.

"But this might take moments!!"

Car ride home conversations about (what else) film making and how wonderful it is.
Sometimes one-on-one time with people is just magical.

I might have to dedicate an entire post to Slab pizza.
(of which the experience was added to by Parcore-ing on the way there)

Hanging with Aussies, both real and fake.
Dressing like Kelsie (but just looked like a homeless person from the 90s) for the Austalia party.

Open house/house warming parties. Seeing old, wonderful friends.

Sharing a moment with a guy wearing the same ridiculous glasses.

Spending time on facebook accounts that belong to fictional characters.

Singing Les Mis much too loudly at 1am as we drove home.

The assortment of "refreshments" that included "Veggie Chips" made with potatoes, spinach powder, and tomato puree. Not to mention desserts were being transported on overhead projector carts. Steph making fun of me for smuggling food as I notice that Lisa is also smuggling food.

And many other things I cannot recall.

More on Love tomorrow.

Love is not being afraid

I'm doing that thing where I go through old emails.
I made a folder in my old hotmail account ages ago titled, "old lovers" sort of as a joke.

But it's actually quite fascinating.

Because I thought I was afraid of love back in the day, but when I look back at my first "relationship", I was so fearless. I told people I loved them and told them how I felt and wasn't afraid to confront issues that came up. I actually admitted to the person I was dating that I liked them instead of trying to pretend like I didn't by hiding behind a mask of other emotions.

In college relationships are more serious, but I don't think they have to be more complicated than they were back in the days of "i like you, you like me"

Because back in the day I was like this:
So in summary, the point is, I like being in the same vacinity as you. I think we should go find some woods to wander around in. I think we are good for each other.

It's that simple, ha.

So many relationships (of all kinds) fail because people are afraid to bring up issues or acknowledge something. Example: Person A will freak out because they assume Person B is upset. Person B doesn't realize that they looked funny at Person A because they were actually just about to sneeze which to Person A looked like a face of aggression. And if the small thing is never discussed it just escalates until no one knows what's going on anymore.

I'm also afraid to speak my mind. It takes about two seconds to say, "Hey, you look great today" or "How did that spelling bee go?" But these are things I think and don't say. Even though it's SO EASY to express affection/consideration.

In short, I need to stop being cynical/reserved and let love happen. This goes for love of all kinds.

I think, as a whole, we over analyze things. It's time to under analyze and go with the flow. I am aware that the more people I let into my life the more complicated it becomes. But it's a good kind of complicated.

Love is apologies

Last night we were in ye Olde Blockbuster, something that doesn't happen as much as it should in this age of Redbox and Netflicks.

Thing to Remember: Trying to pick a movie at Blockbuster with three other people will take a lot of discussion a lot of time and a lot of fake recommendations and even arguing.

Anyway, I picked up a movie called Love Story (I wonder how they came up with that title).

The tagline was "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Which makes absolutely no sense. Any thoughts?

classy classes.

produced/directed/acted in a commercial or two today for my class.
now that is a story in itself.

I learned that there are a lot of ways to deal with people both individually and in groups.

I have complained a lot about my classes this semester. I guess I'm a little frustrated that I am taking all these film classes, but still not in the classes that everyone I adore is taking. I feel like I am wasting my time not being in classes with people I love and adore and want to be with all the time anyway, right?

But I am learning heaps every day about working with different dynamics of people. I have been forced to meet new people and negotiate relationships with them. There are people you find soo annoying initially but then have to learn how to deal with. There are people you bond with almost instantly. There are people that you slowly realize have amazing potential. There are all kinds of people in this world.

It is important to not shut ourselves into group of people we know are awesome. Because once upon a time we didn't know them and it takes branching out or you'll miss out on wonderful, beautiful people.

I've had many an opportunity to step up to the plate. My professors are forcing me out of my sit back and make cynical (but hilarious) comments attitude I've had these first few weeks and are calling me out in class to either answer questions or take some sort of ownership over what's going on. Steven forced me to produce our commercials and it sparked a sudden love of producing that is hidden somewhere in my soul. I absolutely loved organizing it and delegating and seeing the brilliant things people came up with. I was absolutely wowed with some of the prod design that happened.

It's good of these professors too. I appreciate they take the time to not let me slip through the cracks with my mule-headedness and they force me to do things that have strengthened me.

I also think it's sort of fantastic that they throw us out on our own with almost no instruction to make commercials and teach lesson plans. It's sink or swim in today's world.

Make-up is the humbling class. I went to my teacher on Monday with blue and green globs on my eyelids and said, "I don't know what I am doing." You see, I don't do makeup every morning so I've missed out on hours of practice and as such, I'm rather pathetic. This class has given me amazing insight though. Makeup can say SO much about a character and as one who is found of production design it is something I don't think about enough. For whatever reason, this is one of the few classes where I am comfortable admitting I have no idea what's going on.

Love 187, because the more I learn about producing the more it blows me away how rad it is. Also we learned a bit about UPMing today and I sort of fell in love thinking about breaking down a script. It's like a fantastic puzzle of pre-problem solving (as in solving problems before they become problems), also it's a little like a coloring book even though we aren't allowed to use Crayons (which, yes, I always pronounce like "crowns" so what?). And I did some research on Jurassic Park and it's many complications. Including a hurricane:

Although the company had scheduled one more day of 
filming, the sheer force of Iniki literally struck all 
the sets. There was no power or working phones on the 
island, so at dawn the next morning, Kennedy jogged 
two miles to the airport to explore their options.

"The destruction in the airport was unbelievable," she 
recalls. "All the windows were blown out in the 
terminals, and the buildings were full of palms, 
trees, sand and water. Every single helicopter had 
been tipped on its side."

Thanks to her relentless efforts among airport and 
military personnel in Lihue, Kennedy was able to hitch 
a ride to Honolulu on a Salvation Army plane and began 
organizing from a pay phone. Over the next 24 hours, 
she not only coordinated the safe return of the 
company, but also arranged for more than 20,000 pounds 
of relief supplies to be transported from Honolulu and 
Los Angeles into Kauai.

more here

Producers are amazing!

I hate to say this, because I always make fun of people who say they want to be Writers/Directors/Producers. But...I love writing/directing/producing. They are all so fantastic. And of course I would be a Writer/Director/Producer (from hereon known as a WDP) who has a strong emphasis on Production Design. I am really narrowing things down!

Know who I'll still make fun of? People who want to direct without doing anything else first. In my mind, directing=understanding all positions. Best way to understand=do. Just sayin'.

Even though I am starting to find all these classes inspiring and important, it still is so hard to gain any motivation to do any work. I'm a bum.

Oh, and I miss Elizabeth.

p.s.
Right now I smell amazing. It's this combination of coconut, laundry detergent, and shampoo that is really comforting.

love is blind

and it also blinds us.

I thought you were amazing. The finest of fine. The top of the charts. The very best. I turned every flaw into finesse and highlighted repeatedly the amazing things I know about you.

But you aren't any better than anyone else.

No one is.

We are all delightfully average.

(What I am trying to say is it should be easy to get over you)

high on a mountaintop

sometimes grocery trips spontaneously turn into
drive up the mountain and sing a medley of songs at the top of our lungs while overlooking the city and trying to not fall off the rocks we're standing on.

and it's now 1:30am and i've got loads of homework because i spent the past couple hours singing with boys.
it's not every day i can say that.
one of them can even sing higher than me.

oh, have i mentioned i can't sing? because i reeeeeeally can't.

provo looks beautiful when you're overlooking it late at night.
but i can't seem to shake this feeling of homesickness/uneasiness/restlessness that's been bothering me lately.
i don't know what it is.

one last thought:
every once in a while it is good to evaluate situations
and cut the toxic things out of our life
instead of torturing ourselves for the sake of putting on a brave face
if it's not making you happy (even if you think it is), it's not worth it.

Love is ingrained in our very beings

It's harder than you think...Being a girl.
Because despite new surges of feminism in our society and artists like Sara Bareilles and Kelly Clarkson who embrace the power of a single woman...we are still taught over and over, via movies mostly...that we need to fall in love.
Not to mention, all of our friends are doing it.

Every fairytale/disney movie growing up=happily ever after.
I'm pretty sure every disney movie has a song (or three) about love in it.
I cannot think of a single popular movie without a love story intertwined in it.

Then we get to middle school and they make us read/perform Romeo and Juliet. I'm not sure Shakespeare had any idea what he started.
In highschool we have to walk through the halls ducking couples that are making out with each other.
Then in college everyone starts getting married.

The Taylor Swifts and Jack Johnsons of the world make us believe in happy endings.

Perfume ads always feature some sexy man with his arms around a girl.
Girls in clothing ads not only get a guy, but a very nicely dressed one.

Some of us are lucky enough to grow up in homes with parents who are mad in love.

Love is everywhere. People love love.

In short, we cannot blame people for being in love or wanting to be in love.
It's simply inevitable.
I'm saying this for myself, one of love's greatest cynics
but also biggest fan.

once upon a time i wrote a script at 2am.
then decided i really liked it.
so i sent it to loads of people.
then, three days later...

...i decided i didn't like it at all.

Love is confusing

I find...I find you strangely attractive...You're not the sort of girl I normally go out with - I mean, you're loud, you're disorganized, your friends are an embarrassment. But I like you, I don't know why.
-Pride and Prejudice (2003)

Figuring out you and me is like doing a love autopsy
They could operate all day long and never figure out what went wrong
-Music and Lyrics

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
-Matt Groening

I don't know why I love you but I do
-Clarence Henry

Love makes us act like we are fools.
-Moulin Rogue

made up

today i had makeup on...and everyone was confused. i received many a double take and even had a teacher comment on it.

and it poses the question...if i/someone has the potential to be more beautiful* than they are naturally. should they exploit that?

*whatever their society deems beautiful

is it a matter of living up to your potential? or giving in to preconceived notions and society and conforming to standards?

mostly i consider it a nuisance and something i don't want to deal with on a daily basis.
but people do. there are girls who wake up every morning and carefully craft their face.
and poor blonde girls, essentially have no features without some sort of makeup.

so, do i choose to look extraordinarily pretty, because i can?
and because i got about 100 compliments today?
or do i continue to keep the expectations low and go about being my natural, red cheeked* self?
let's be honest, it's going to be the later, i don't have the time/money to be bothered with daily face adjustments.

*my makeup teacher keeps telling me to wear the anti-blush (red-out) because the red in my cheeks goes all the way down my face and it's not "natural" ha.

just as a side note, i really hate foundation.

I survived seven days without sugar products.
Verdict: Not worth it.

But, actually, it does make sweets less appealing than they once were...Which is nice.