cold feet

i am cold because i just got back from talking with my roomate this past year on my porch.
i think some of the most influential things of my high school career happened in front of my house.
laid on the sidewalk with good friends talking about life...there's a great view of the stars because we don't have street lights up on our hill...which also makes it a bit terrifying.
kissed both of my boyfriends for the first time at the top of my driveway.
i laid in the driveway when it was warm and talked on the phone with people who made me happy.
on prom my date's car died in the driveway after he dropped me off and he had to call and ask me to jump start it haha.
and just really great conversations that happen sometime between leaving and entering the house.
also i wash the dog and cars in front of the house.
and there was the time there were deer just chilling in our driveway.

A lot consist of the outside conversation standing in the cold...or even rain. Late at night. But i think conversation is invaluable. I can't live without it.

Also looking back on my freshman year of college I think I learned a heck of a lot. About myself and life and interactions with people. And what matters and what doesn't matter. And I think if I could get one thing into every person's head it would be that Being Selfish Doesn't Pay Off. Not only will people like you better, but you'll be happier if you think of other people more than or at least as much as you think about yourself. Because it gets really old when people only have their best interests in mind. Especially when they say things like, "I know what I'm doing would upset me if I was in their position" Well don't do it then. I know I'm happier to do things for other people than for myself even though it's not always easy to do. And people will resent you for it eventually.

So I am nineteen now. And I think I should make some new age resolutions...Because it's not as fun to make goals for the year in January.

So here I am going to vow to be more assertive. Because I get annoyed with people who can't make decisions...Yet, I am one of those people. But aside from just making decisions, also not letting people walk all over me. Because a lot of times I do things because I want to avoid conflict. But this usually makes things a lot worse. Now, I think it's really good to be laid back and compromise and not be a dictator, but I have a problem not mentioning things that I know will bother me later. I also have a problem with trying to make everyone happy at the same time when that is not always possible...And sometimes it's healthy for people to be unhappy.

Another thing is I've been told I have good instincts...But I ignore them often and I've got to stop doing that. Because in hindsight things are always clear, but the warning signs are always clear too and don't know why I didn't see them as I was going along.

Another goal for myself is to get broken up with or have a relationship last longer than three months. I always flee from relationships before they have a chance to run their course...Basically I end them before they even begin. And maybe this sounds ridiculous but for once I want someone else to break up with me because I've never given anyone the chance. I know no one likes being broken up with but I kind of want/may need the experience. And maybe I'll get over my commitmentphobia. I just keep thinking I'll grow out of it and that I'll really like someone and keep liking them, but it never seems to work. This is something I REALLY need to work on, because I am tired of hurting feelings and hurting myself.

Today I watched 27 Dresses (it was alright) and Royal Tenenbaums (edited for tv) which was pretty good...Again, I think it was too hyped up by everyone claiming it's so amazing, but I liked it a lot. Thought the style was great, love the actors, love A. Baldwin's voice, and though this is my first I'm pretty sure I already love Wes as a director.

Yesterday was my birthday and most of my presents were...ironic I guess you could say. I got some pretty amazing stuff though like a cool ring, bracelet, and argyle socks. Not to mention five pounds of gummi bears. I've been promised a camera, but I have no idea what kind to get. And I'm striking this minimalist phase where I don't feel a need for possessions and as much as I love fashion I'm thinking of just wearing plain colored t-shirts, jeans, bandanas, my usual jewelry and some converse. I want to live out of two boxes and sleep in a hammock.

Just found out the song I've been listening to says the F word twice. I really hate when that happens.

Hopefully I'm going to get lined up with a job that pays $9 or more an hour and is full-time. Crossing my fingers for that.

Gosh, once I start writing on this it's like I can't stop and I just keep thinking of more and more nonsense to bore the world wide web with.

Now that it is way past my bedtime, I am signing off.